Complexities
by ohheyjadzi
Summary: Follow Rumour Wysteria De'Ville  aka Yoru Uchiha  on her exciting journey into the narutoverse! Will true love bloom, or will badly-developed romances get the best of them all? BEWARE: Mary Sues, canon-rape, and all sorts of horrifying things lie within!
1. I'm not okaaaayyyyI Promise

**(A/N) This is what I do on sick days. Okay. **

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><p>Rumour Wysteria De'Ville was displeased.<p>

It had been another long, trying day of public education, fraught with disturbingly preppy girls who were too tan for their own good, and boys who gawked at her obnoxious cleavage (which she had on full display to the world). As if that wasn't bad enough, she'd missed her bus and had to walk all the way home. (You see, she doesn't have the luxury of parents who transport their children to and from school. She was orphaned as a mere fetus, and lived alone her whole life.)

"wut da fuck?" She cried mournfully at the sky, which immediately responded with a torrential downpour. "kami, y do yu hate meh?" She mumbled crossly. "evar sense I was just a fetus in mah mom's gallbladder. I try so hard but its never good enough four yu, is it? Well im sorry im not perfect! Its not easy being alone!"

_"I'm not okaaaayyyy, I'm not o-fuuuucking-kaaaaaayyyyyy!" _She sang as she sobbed, running down the middle of the busy highway without looking both ways for traffic, or holding an adult's hand.

She arrived at her ridiculously large mansion several angst-filled minutes later (having miraculously survived the 37-car pile-up she caused). She made herself comfortable in front of the flat screen television, and prepared to drown her sorrows in anime.

"weight, dis is all wrong!" She frowned. "yu 4got to describe my godly appearance. Don't forget to use lengthy paragraphs ok."

Her voice echoed through the empty room. "good thing im not the object of a poorly conceived fanfic, or that might've broken the fourth wall." She noted, before stalking across the room to a full-length mirror.

"oh shitfuckdamn. Mah hurr is all messed up. I look like shit lawl. Im such a hot mess. Im still freakin hawt though. Because normally mah hurr looks like long flowing waves of brown oceans." She giggled, twirling a beefy finger around a strand of mud-colored hair. It was a true—ahem, _partially_ true—statement. The humidity from the rain had not done her already-disgusting hair any favors. "and mah makeup is running. But it looks sexxi and sort of emo. I hope I can do it again for skool 2morrow…" The heavy mascara was smeared under her eyes, and running in tracks down her greasy cheeks. "the rain made mah eyes brighter tho." She noticed gleefully. "mah eyes r usually a clear, heavenly blue color. But in da rain they turn to bright, deep, shocking, startling orbs of emerald. They blend so perfectly wit my pale, porcelain skin like a dove's kiss."

After this lively monologue, she remembered her earlier quest to soak up as much anime as she possibly could before school the next day. And so, armed with Doritos and a tub of Ben&Jerry's, she settled down on the couch to watch Naruto.

"sooo sexxxxxxii." She literally drooled all over her new leather sofa at the sight of her latest obsession, the Akatsuki. "he has such a big _sword_…harhar, innuendos." She cackled, a truly frightening sound.

Suddenly there was a bright blue flash, and Rumour Wysteria De'Ville disappeared into her television screen amidst a cloud of smoke and random obscenities.

When she woke up, she was staring at the faces of the Akatsuki (minus the unattractive ones, and Konan since she lacks the necessary hardware. Get it? _Hard_ware? Oknevermind.)

"Ahem." It was Pein, of course. "Your existence means nothing to me and no one would blink twice if I were to kill you where you stand. But instead of doing the logical thing I will ask seemingly random questions and cooperate with you completely at the discretion of the author, so that he/she may live out his/her fantasies." He cleared his throat again, looking very official. "I'll start with your name. What is-"

"Mah name iz Yoru Uchiha." She spat excitedly, drawing the name off the top of her pile of terribly-written OC's.

"Uchiha?" Pein looked thoughtfully at the only other Uchiha who mattered. "But Itachi, I thought you killed _everyone_?"

"Except for Sasuke." Kisame hissed helpfully.

"Oh, right. Except for _Sasuke_. Interesting. Who's this girl, then?" Everyone peered/ogled curiously/pervertedly at the girl in question, who simply smirked.

"I smell a plotline…" Someone whispered.

"Well, I'll tell u." She spoke up. "I'm da last survivor of da Uchiha clan. I hid away for a long time so _he_-" she jabbed a finger in Itachi's direction, along with a few flirtatious eyebrow wiggles. "-wouldn't kill me at da massacre and all dat."

"Oh, that makes sense then. There is no reason for me not to believe you." Pein agreed right away, and the others nodded.

"Yeaz. So, can I have sum time alone 2 talk two my…family member?" Rumour Wysteria wondered, already plotting something sinister, sexual and altogether detrimental to the story's G-rating.

"Why, of course. It is completely sensible to leave you alone, because in the 5 minutes that I've known you, you've proved yourself to be a very trustworthy character with no ulterior motives whatsoever. Let's give her some space, people."

She blushed deeply as the men stared her down on their way out of the room. "I'll wait for you babe." A certain blonde stated in a slimy tone. "…UN."

"I'm fucking the bitch first, you cockbiting slice of shit!" Hidan howled.

"Enough of your obligatory man-whoring, ladies."

Pein smiled to cover up his mortification—why wouldn't his subordinates at least _pretend_ to be civilized when they had company?—and shoved the bickering testosterone containers from the room.

And then, the two of them were alone.

Rumour/Yoru couldn't keep the devilish grin off of her face.

"Do u remember me Itachi…?" She simpered, prancing over to him.

"No, I've never seen you before in my life." He answered tonelessly.

"Wrong! I wuz ur lover, back then. And I secretly survived all dis time." She giggled cutely, swatting his arm playfully.

"Yes, I remember. You were my lover, back then. You, a young girl with no skills whatsoever, managed to secretly survive all this time."

"Yeeee!" She squealed, and glomped him.

Yes, that's correct. She attacked him. With affection.

"I wuv you, Itachi-kun!"

"You love me. I love you." He replied robotically. "I am so glad you've returned. My life can go on now. Let us run away together, and I shall give not a second thought to my dear beloved brother or cherished village."

She nodded eagerly, thrilled that her charm was so effective on him.

He swept her off her feet dramatically. "Let us be married, right here and now. I cannot stand the thought of being without you any longer. It is completely logical for me to suggest something like this. I am quite smitten with you."

She swooned at the compliments he was randomly spewing out.

"Oh, dis is so romantic!" She cheered, and then casually changed topics. "are babies will be named after da 4 seasons. But they'll be translated too Japanese…everything sounds sexxi in Japanese, ne?"

"Ne indeed."

They (or he, really) leapt out of a nearby window, and ran away to partake in extremely explicit activities that go beyond the limits of everything good and pure in this universe. Things so shocking, so mind-numbingly horrid; things that could only be conjured up from the depths of a deeply disturbed soul.

There was intercourse. Lots of it.

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><p><strong>(AN) You guys, not once did she use the word "kawaii". WHAT IS HAPPENING.**

**Tell me what you thought :D Should I continue? **

**Have a _kawaii_ day, desu :3**


	2. We all have feeeeeelings

**(A/N) I love mary sues. I honestly do.**

**Almost as much as I love Rahuratna and PureWaterLily for reviewing so kindly :D Thank you!  
><strong>

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><p>The lovebirds arrived back at the base 3 days later, much to the relief of the rest of the organization, who for some reason had been unable to locate their missing member and new sex symbol.<p>

Upon their arrival, it became apparent that some members were more _excited_ about Yoru than others. This was to be expected. Deidara, for instance, immediately showered her with thoughtful gifts (though they had the nasty habit of exploding at the most inopportune times), while Kakazu opted to stare at her from behind the scenes (and the occasional shower curtain), biding his time until the moment when she and Itachi unhinged themselves from each other and she became vulnerable. Then, and only then, would he make his move. Yoru-that mystical beauty-would be _his_. Although he was rather confused as to why this hadn't been the case from the very start. Disregarding sex appeal, what did Itachi have that he didn't? _It must be the hair_, he decided. He mentally resolved to start growing out his own locks.

Of course, as long as there are sweet admirers and creepy admirers, there must also be straight up obnoxious stalkers. I'm talking about Hidan, obviously. Because—as illustrated so clearly in both the anime and manga—he serves no purpose other than to curse everything into the dirt, and attempt to bang anyone that moves. He had done everything he possibly could to try and seduce our heroine (flattering her with endearing names like "slut", "whore-face", and "cum-monkey", as well as offering her a cage of her very own once she became his honorary bitch.) She declined, but was secretly flattered. Why wouldn't she be? Guys back home were nowhere near as forward as he was, or as vulgar. She quite liked it. Too bad she'd already assigned herself to Itachi, who was apparently unaware of how to act in a way that would be considered improper and offensive. Aside from that one time when he killed his clan, but that was during his "troubled teen" years so it didn't really count. The bottom line is, she was beginning to think he was just too well-behaved for a crAzy badd gurl lyke hur.

But, being the selfless girl she was, Yoru put her feelings aside and continued to spend her time frolicking in the meadows with Itachi. And by frolicking I mean _having sex with_ and by meadows I mean…well, let's just say the woodland creatures will never be the same.

All was well with her and her band of sex-crazed losers.

But then…one day…all of a sudden…out of nowhere…

"I hav a motherfuckin headache!" Yoru bit her lip attractively. "it hurtz realli fuqqin badd and shyt…"

"I cannot stand to see you suffer. I will take the pain away." Her pet Uchiha stated blandly, while preparing to slice the offending body part off with a sharp sword.

"lulz silly, I just need 2 take a nappy. Then ill feel better. I get hedaches all da time becuz I hav multiple sclerosis and all the voices in mah head fight so loud and it hurtz." She said cheerfully, deciding that now was as good a time as ever to bring out her dark, tormented side.

The sword Itachi was holding above her vanished in an instant, back to whatever ungodly place he'd pulled it from.

"You're suffering. I don't like it." He started to tear up. "Despite having the emotional capacity of a block of ice, I'm going to burst into tears because that's the only reasonable thing to do when the person you love is anguishing."

Somewhere far, far away, a certain little brother got that sensation you get when you think you're about to sneeze, but nothing ever came of it. He scowled, hating the unfulfilled feeling.

Itachi began sobbing, which was every bit as pitiful as you would imagine. Yoru thought it was incredibly sexy, of course, because she secretly loved men who were emotional wrecks. Then the word 'wreck' reminded her of her dead parents who died in a freak Zamboni accident when she was but a fetus, and she began to cry as well.

"I miss mah familyyyy!" She wailed, burying her face in Itachi's shoulder.

He assumed she meant the family he had so rudely disposed of, which only served to upset him further.

"If only sorrow could build a staircase, and tears could show the way…" She muttered in a hollow tone, feeling no shame in ripping off the lyrics to her favorite song.

They spent the next 20 minutes bawling into each other's shirts loudly, and making a big scene which wasn't as disturbing to the other members as it should have been.

Pein swept through towards the middle of it, and joined Deidara and Sasori, who had been staring adoringly at the pair for all that time.

"What are they-" Pein began, but Deidara did the unthinkable and cut him off.

"Shh, shh! I'm trying to hear the character development!" He hushed his leader, not even looking away from the blubbering couple, "It's very faint, but if you listen carefully you can make it out."

"Ah. I had a feeling this would happen sooner or later." Pein murmured, mostly to himself.

He stood there in polite silence, waiting patiently for the angst-fest to end so he could deliver the important news he'd came here to give in the first place.

Eventually, the floodgates swung shut. Itachi pried Yoru's face off of him, and she wiped the last of her tears away.

They looked around, seeming to notice their audience for the first time.

"hai." Yoru greeted nervously. "i-uh-didn't uhm sea u there." She giggled cutely, and Deidara ran away so nobody could take advantage of his raging boner.

Sasori followed him shortly after, with every intention of taking advantage of his raging boner.

"That's perfectly acceptable, seeing as you're not a ninja. Even though you're an Uchiha, and are apparently skilled enough to evade death or capture at the hands of Itachi, you're also the brainchild of _her_-_" _he pointed vaguely at the ceiling, "—so you can basically get away with _anything_." Yoru grinned in a way that made every male want to do unspeakable things to her, aided only by kitchen accessories. Pein cleared his throat, and turned to Itachi. "_You_, on the other hand, are arguably one of the most powerful ninjas in this entire organization. Now, I realize that you were trying to show your emotional side and that takes a most supreme concentration, but even so…you ought to be ashamed. What a ghastly show. Ten points from Hufflepuff." Pein glowered.

Itachi just kind of stood there, most likely because there was no sexy way to react, because doing so would acknowledge that he was, in fact, a Hufflepuff.

"Anyway. I came here because I need to talk to Yoru-chan. It has come to my attention, via hallucinogenic dream, that you are the container of the 69-tailed horn-dog."

Yoru gasped. "?#"

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><p><strong>(AN) I'm having wayyy too much fun with this.**

**Have a lovely day, and thanks for reading :D **


	3. Yoru: World Class Chef

**(A/N) Disclaimer? Never heard of it.**

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><p>"That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. There's no such thing as a 69-tailed beast." Itachi argued.<p>

Yoru wiggled her tongue suggestively, but the perverted gesture was lost on him.

"I beg to differ. Can't you just feel her enormous chakra, threatening to overcome us all with its power?" Pein reasoned calmly, not concerned at all by the absurdness of the idea he was proposing.

"If it's so big, why did it take us all so long to notice it?" Itachi wondered.

Yoru squealed and teetered back and forth on the balls of her feet.

Pein made a slicing motion across his neck. "Cut it out, Itachi." He hissed, "You aren't supposed to notice the glaring plot holes."

Itachi frowned at his leader's behavior, and pressed on. "And a horn dog…I've never heard of such a beast. _What_ is a horn dog? What _even_ is that?"

Itachi looked incredibly troubled by the whole situation. Since when was there a 69-tailed demon horn dog? He'd never heard of it before, and wasn't it his job to know about _all_ the tailed beasts? Wasn't it? WASN'T IT? He just didn't know anymore.

Yoru was feeling a little dizzy from all of the slight sexual references they were unknowingly making.

"Honestly, I haven't got a clue. And if I don't know, it's probably not all that important."

"Yea, Tachi-koon." Yoru piped up sweetly, staring him straight in the eyes. "It's not impotent..."

"Oh. I suppose not. You are the leader, and we must not question your all-knowing knowledge of all that is to be known." Itachi went back to his previous, overly-agreeable self.

"butt weight aren't u guyz going 2 take the 69-tails out of meh?" Yoru looked at the two men nervously. Surely they would abandon their quest for world domination in favor of keeping darling Yoru alive?

"Fear not. Surely, we will abandon our quest for world domination in favor of keeping you alive, darling Yoru." Pein said automatically, as if he was reading her mind.

_Kool so he can reed minds desu. Hi Pein-sama, your so fuckin smexxii and I lyke hidna too and also everyone else ever in the world with boy parts. _

Pein blinked. "Thank you, you're quite smexxii yourself." He blinked again. "Wait—what in the…_ugh_. I'm going to go stare at the rain and ponder my miserable existence for a while. Don't bother me." And with that he disappeared.

Yoru stared at the place where he'd vanished from, gaping widely in a manner that was most unattractive. "wow. I didn't kno I had a 69-tailed demon inside me." Yoru nibbled on her lower lip, worried. She was so distressed she didn't even have the heart to make a 'that's what she said' joke. After all, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. Oh, she _was_ supposed to have a demon sealed inside her, certainly, because what else gave her so much power in regards to plot-violation? Nothing. But it was supposed to be something cool, like a wolf or a dragon or a even bunny—something obscenely powerful, or at least cute. But a horn dog? It sounded like hot dog, the most un-kawaii food in the entire universe.

Why her? Why did it always have to be her, getting cursed with horrible, random-ass things? First her poor parents, then her relationship crisis, and now this.

"all dis stress is two much 4 me 2 handle rite now, Itachi-koon." She sighed, tilting her head at just the right angle so that the shadows would make her look pathetic and troubled and yet somehow sexy. There—_perfect_.

"I am the ideal distraction." Itachi informed her, producing a rose from thin air.

"stop being so romantic and polite and shizz. Its pissn me off I want 2 b treated lyke a reel wiminz." She snapped agitatedly. "why cant I find a good guy who will give me wut I need?" She started to cry, and dashed off blindly in some random direction, leaving a very confused Itachi standing alone in the hall.

As fate would have it, Yoru ran straight into Hidan, who was just standing in the center of the hallway.

"wut da fuck r u doing in da middle of da hallway you motherfucker?" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips and completely ignoring the fact that the man in front of her was more than capable of slicing her into tiny pieces.

"Oh, hell, I've been fucking waiting for your cunty ass to wander down here." Hidan chuckled darkly, and then cleared his throat. "Shall we proceed?"

"huh? Wut da fuck r u saying." Yoru sighed. She couldn't get a second alone, could she? Obviously she was pleased though, that he was paying attention to her. Oh, he was just so foul! _Swoon_.

"Ah, my bad. I meant, '_get on your fucking knees, you cunt-peeling whore._'" He insisted fiercely.

"oh yah you reealy kno how 2 talk 2 a lady." She sighed. Ah, now this was more like it.

She was about to put herself in a very compromising position, when an unappetizing gargle rang out from Hidan's stomach.

"da fuck?" She looked at the man quizzically.

"I'm fucking _hungry_." He realized, looking surprised. "And there's nothing even remotely carnal about it—I'm literally about to fucking starve to death."

"o kool. I can make u sum food. I kno ur faves becuz im ur biggest fan."

Hidan, being the blundering idiot that we all know him to be, saw nothing strange about this admission. "Right. Go make me a sandwich then. Now."

Yoru scampered off, all too happy to comply. Woohoo, yet another chance to prove her dominance over these males! They would all bow in awe of her mighty spatula.

"Wait! I forgot to mention—you're a fucking skank! You're a blow-jobbing bimbo! Your mother takes it in the-"

Luckily Yoru was too far away to hear the rest of his obnoxious outburst. Who knows what may have happened if she'd heard…she might have taken so much offense that she'd unwittingly unleash the 69-tailed beast! And that's not something _anyone_ wants to see—not this early in the story, anyway. Relationships (_particularly only_ sexual ones) are the glue (or any other sticky white substance) holding Yoru's story together, so they must be firmly established before anything plot-related can take place. Just in case the story should, I don't know, _fall_ _apart_. Or something. Like an itch in an inappropriate location that you want to scratch but you can't because you are a respectable member of society, her relationships will _always_ be there to provide embarrassment, discomfort, and general awkwardness.

Yoru wrinkled her nose. "shutup stop trying to tie up loose ends and add interest."

A dry erase marker came flying out of nowhere, but she dodged it gracefully because she's Yoru Uchiha and Uchihas are flawless gods who can do no wrong except for EVERYTHING IN CANON.

She reached the kitchen, and it was then that she realized she didn't actually know how to cook. You'd think that after spending her entire life fending for herself (albeit in the comfort of a large, comfy home), she'd have figured something out—spaghetti, scrambled eggs, _toast_—but no. She _exclusively_ ate ramen, pocky, and Ben&Jerry's ice cream.

But our brave heroine would not let such a simple problem stop her! Who cares if she's never so much as touched an oven mitt? She was going to cook some steak, godammit. Never mind the fact that Hidan only wanted a sandwich; she was going to show her stuff by cooking an extravagant meal for _everyone_!

"i knew I shuld have been a shef." She grinned deviously, although the situation called for neither grins nor deviousness.

She got to work, turning the oven on to full heat—wouldn't want her slaves to get salmonella, would she? Of course, if they did, she could just whip out her medical degree, courtesy of . Oh, but she had forgotten her cute nurse's outfit at home…there goes that idea. Drat.

Next, she scavenged the kitchen for some steak. Why on earth she expected them to just have random steaks lying around the base is anyone's guess, but needless to say she did not find any.

"dats ok. i will substitute something else instead. just lyke emril-sama taught me."

Luckily, she was able to find some wrapped meat products in the freezer, hidden in the very back behind stacks of frozen carrots which had obviously never been touched.

"geronimo!" She cheered, thrusting the package in the air.

She unwrapped the meat, noticing that as she got closer to the inside of it, the slab of meat began to take on a rather odd shape. Sort of like an arm…hmm, that couldn't be right. She blinked nervously, and whimpered. No one came to her rescue, so she assumed it couldn't possibly be a threat. No sir, this meat was normal as could be. Everyone eats hamburger patties shaped like human arms.

All you seasoned (Get it? Cause she's cooking? _Oh god_.) readers have probably deduced by now the source of the meat. The resident freak/cannibal/plant-thing, Zetsu, who serves no other purpose than comic relief by leaving his snacks in awkward places (like the freezer, which is never ever used to preserve meat of any kind, duh). Although, it seems slightly suspect that he hasn't appeared at all in this story. I guess we can all assume that he's either out gardening, eating people for no reason, or engaging in sexual acts with some poor unsuspecting cactus.

Just like he always does.

Anyway, after she had decided to carry on with her meal plans, it was time for the real magic to happen. She tossed the unwrapped appendage into the oven, not even bothering with a pan. It would cook faster this way. Then she squatted down on her rather large haunches to watch the meat. Surely it wouldn't take too long.

10 minutes later, and that meat was still pink as a baby's butt. Or a deceased person's arm.

"grr. wut da fuck is takin so long." Really, was there something wrong with this oven? She got up and kicked it sharply. It responded by bursting into flames.

"dat's more lyke it." She smirked, as if she had planned for this to happen and wasn't currently needing a change of underwear.

She displayed her full intelligence by reaching into the flaming oven with her bare hands, and pulling out the meat. It was charred and crispy. "Perfect." She declared, setting the smoldering remains on the kitchen table.

"cum and eat, beotchezz!" She ordered loudly.

Everyone appeared instantly.

"This smells heavenly." Sasori complimented, completely disregarding the flames that were slowly spreading across the room.

"fanks boo." She chirped. "i made it myself."

Kakazu, however, was extremely distressed by the loss of the oven. "Nooooo!" He screeched, falling to his knees in front of the scorching mess. "That's 500 dollars I'll never get back! Even if I've never even heard of a dollar!"

Everyone ignored the man's mental breakdown, and sat down to eat.

"This is delicious. You're an amazing cook. I love to hand out compliments willy-nilly." Pein gabbed in-between mouthfuls.

"fanks, fanks." Yoru nodded humbly, blushing.

"That's so freaking adorable." Deidara sighed, drooling at the sight. he cleared his throat. "." He took a deep breath. "Phew. I think that makes up for all the times I've forgotten about my speech impediment. Just wanted to make sure I'm staying in character, you know."

"wuts wrong wit u. don't u know im wit itach-chan." She demanded, getting all flustered at his affections (and that sexy grunting noise).

"Yes, don't you see she is with me? We are obviously romantically involved, seeing as how we spend nearly every waking moment attached at the face." Itachi reasoned, turning his Mangekyou on because that's the only way he ever looks threatening.

Yoru had apparently forgotten her earlier boredom with him, because she flung herself in his general direction and began to smother him with love. The physical kind. The very, _very_ physical kind.

"Not in front of everyone…" Itachi chose this moment to become very docile, a phenomenon which leaves all witnesses with a large amount of second-hand embarrassment.

Yoru, of course, thought it was cute. She had every intention of continuing, but the sound of Kakazu sobbing was a real turn-off. Actually, nothing could ever turn Yoru off. The noises were just really annoying and she didn't want to associate any future sexual acts with Kakazu's pathetic weeping.

"ill save it 4 l8r." She winked.

Everyone continued eating, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. After all, nothing had!

"w8. kisame put the fire out wit ur water powers." Yoru shouted, suddenly remembering that fire was dangerous, especially when it surrounded the table you were occupying.

"It seems like someone should have thought of this sooner. Someone other than you." Kisame noted, promptly vomiting up water and dousing the flames.

"wutever u hater."

The rest of the night passed with nothing too monumental taking place. Yoru took her rightful place as a woman by washing the dishes, and then carried out her duties as "baby container" by doing explicit things in a very public area with a certain Uchiha.

"oh no I didn't where a condom." Yoru lamented, throwing her hands in the air to illustrate her distress. "i hope i dont get pregnant!"

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><p><strong>(AN) Oh yes. I am going to bless them with a child. Hmm, what shall it be? A whiny little female, or a bouncing baby boy? Never mind science, how about _both_? We'll see what happens.**

****Also, thank you to Zoids Fanatic for reviewing :)****

**Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day :D**


	4. A Bun in the Oven

**(A/N) So for some reason, a couple of words in the last chapter got replaced with "." ...Why. **

**I kept thinking I'd fixed it, and then they'd show up again after I published the chapter. **

**Does anyone know why that happens? It's really bugging me haha :D**

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><p>In the words of a very wise and not-quite-sober Psychologhy teacher, "Sometimes life throws you a curve-ball. You just make sure you're there to catch that bitch and throw it right back."<p>

Alright.

Shit happens, and it happens to everyone. And we all have our own way of dealing with such situations. Some people remain optimistic no matter what, and are always looking for a solution. Some get angry and bitter and generally nasty to be around. There's also the pity-partiers, who can't be satisfied until everyone else is made aware of their misery. Certainly there are more, but we won't go any further since these are the only three that could apply to the matter at hand. Take a guess; which one do you think our dear Yoru is?

Trick question. Since she has no firmly established personality as of yet, she can slip into any one of the above at will and without question; even _all_ _three_ if she so desires.

It's all a matter of chance, as we shall soon observe. But for now, I think it's time we check up on Yoru-chan, the conqueror of all that is wholesome and hygienic and sane.

"da fuuuuuuu—"

"I don't understand how this happened." Itachi looked rubbed his temples, looking uneasy.

"Sex makes babies. Even _I_ knew that, and I'm the resident dumbass." Hidan shook his head at Itachi. "And they say _you're_ the genius…good lord; we're all doomed." It was quiet. "Doomed to the fucking fiery-ass pits of motherfucking hell for all goddammed eternity, to be more specific."

"I don't know, I always thought Tobi was supposed to be the stupid one." Kakazu looked thoughtful.

"Shut-un-up-un." Deidara snapped. "Stop talking nonsense, un. What's a Tobi, un? I've never heard of such a thing, un. Un. Un. Un."

"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—"

"Will somebody shut her up?" Kisame ordered, looking agitated. He put a comforting arm around his partner. "There, there, Itachi. Don't worry your effeminate little head. It's just a baby. I know exactly how to handle these things." The way he licked his lips was not very reassuring, although it may just have been his close proximity to his partner. Did you know they're lovers? You didn't? Neither did they, until just now.

"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuq—?" Yoru finally shut herself up, realizing that she was starting to feel faint from oxygen deprivation. She took a deep breath, and everyone waited expectantly. "guyz im pregnant. dis is crazy. im gunna be a mommy." She started to cry, her eyes of swirling jade overflowing with flawless crystal and topaz and all assortments of precious stones.

"Don't cry," Itachi begged, looking disturbed, "your sadness makes me want to kill myself. For _some_ reason. I've never even been slightly suicidal before—unless you count the Sasuke thing, but that was more indirect…"

"You're rambling dear." Kisame cut him off, while playing absentmindedly with a strand of the other's dark hair.

"And you." He turned to Kisame. "I don't understand why you are touching me. This should not be happening."

"yea bro, paws off my man!" Yoru leapt into action, landing a solid punch in the blue man's jugular. "I kno u guyz used to have secks all da time and stuff, but that's the past! Itachi-koon is MINE now!"

"Yes, she is correct. Though we engaged in frequent intercourse in the past—which was perfectly appropriate despite the considerable age difference—I am now Yoru's plaything. It was only a fling, and our complete disregard for professionalism is now a thing of yesterday."

"_This morning…_" Kisame corrected.

"_Gross_…" Someone muttered.

Kisame glowered at Yoru for a moment, before turning on his heel and stomping from the room. There was a loud crashing noise, and the sound of plaster raining down, presumably from the new hole in the wall. Kisame reappeared, addressing Yoru.

"I'm going to _kill_ you." He growled menacingly.

Then he turned to Itachi. "You'll change your mind. You'll come back to me."

There was silence.

Pein sighed. "Well…we're really going to have to work on your delivery."

Kisame turned on his leader. "What are you talking about? My delivery was _flawless_!"

Pein shook his head. "Don't worry about it. It was only your first try. Things will improve…" He looked expectantly at the ceiling. "Or perhaps not," he muttered as an afterthought. "Anyhow, you might as well excuse yourself. You won't be needed for a while now."

Kisame huffed off, grumbling something about how "underappreciated" he was.

"thanx for getting him to leave, Pein-chan." Yoru glomped her leader enthusiastically.

"Of course. Now, on to the next order of business." He cleared his throat, since that seemed to be his only method of grasping the attention of his borderline-retarded subordinates. When everyone was paying attention, he continued. "Your offspring will be arriving very, _very_ soon. I must say, the timeline for this whole affair is actually quite unnatural. So unnatural, in fact, that one might be led to believe that someone upstairs has made a _grave_ error in their calculations."

"Just how _soon_ is _soon_?" Itachi wondered.

Pein looked thoughtful. "Well, since she just realized she was pregnant about 15 minutes ago, we have to start counting from that moment. So that gives us…" He paused, "…_carry the 3…"_

"wut?"

"Two days."

"What?"

"Fuck me!"

"Un? Un! Un…!"

"Impossible!"

"She's not even showing yet!" Sasori cried, jabbing a finger towards her abdomen.

The shouting ceased as everyone went in for a closer look.

"By George, he's right…" Kakazu stated in bewilderment.

But then, before their very eyes, Yoru's stomach began to expand, ripping her impractical lace shirt as it went.

"What the fucking hell is going the fuck on inside her bitch-ass—_argh_!"

No one batted an eye as Kakazu ripped Hidan's head off, and tossed it into some random corner.

"_Who's George…?_" Someone whispered.

There was no answer.

"I can feel da bebe." Yoru patted her stomach contentedly, not at all weirded out by the fact that something was growing inside her at a very alarming rate.

"Aww…" Deidara cooed at her stomach, making kissy-faces at it.

Itachi stood there massaging his temples, looking deeply in need of drug-induced sleep.

"Well, I think I've had just about enough of this rape-age of scientific and medical knowledge. I'm going to go count my money, or molest Hidan with my tentacles that aren't even legit tentacles. Or something like that. Don't disturb me." Kakazu stated haughtily.

Everyone ignored him as he dragged his partner's body away.

That left Pein, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori still crowded around Yoru.

"So, what happens when it's ready to…you know…come out?" Sasori asked Pein.

"Hm." Pein pursed his lips. "I'm not sure. I've never really delivered a child before. It's a shame we don't have a woman in this organization; she'd know what to do."

"Actually, we _do_—" Deidara began.

"Enough chit-chat." Pein cut him off. "Yoru doesn't need a doctor. She has the 69-tails, you know."

"I'm completely beyond trying to rationalize any of this, so I'm just going to agree with you." Deidara admitted. "Un. Un." He added as an afterthought.

"Good boy. See, the 69-tails is so powerful that Yoru will just pop the baby out with no problem."

"Of course she will." Deidara agreed dryly.

"That also explains why the pregnancy progressed so quickly."

"Of _course_ it does."

"The child will have unimaginable strength. I predict the Sharingan in one eye and the Rinnegan in the other. Probably a third eye somewhere with the Byakugan as well, but that one isn't as important. Everyone knows that the Byakugan is for losers."

"It'll make a spiffy puppet for me." Sasori interjected, deciding to reinforce his status as the "creepy puppet guy".

"if u ever touch mah bebe, ill fuckin kill you." Yoru hissed icily, actually managing to look somewhat frightening. Well, frightening to anyone who _wasn't_ an S-ranked criminal with an affinity for puppets and wood in odd places.

"As if _you'd_ be any match for _my_ child." Itachi scoffed.

Sasori paled at the realization that his ginger-headed self wouldn't stand a chance against one of the godly Uchiha's offspring, even if it had been tainted by the genetics of whatever the hell Yoru was. So, being the coward that he is, he high-tailed it on out of there, to avoid any more complicated dialogue.

Deidara followed him, since he is a highly dependent man who likes to take orders and submit to his peers—especially Sasori. They just have that cute friendship that's totally heterosexual in such a bromantic way that it's basically the most flaming thing in the world.

Anyway, after that the party pretty much ended. Pein wandered off to go be leaderly somewhere else, and Itachi disappeared to some dark room to angst about the fact that he was going to be a father of a child with the unfortunate name of "Fuyu". (They'd already decided to name their children after the seasons, and Yoru's obsession with cold things—could that be a pun?—assured him winter would be first on the list.)

Leaving poor Yoru all alone with the demon-fetus brewing inside of her.

Oh dear.

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><p><strong>(AN) Ohhh a cliffie r u gais ecited 4 da beeb?**

**So whenever I'm having a bad day I just write more for this. It makes me feel like 10x better :D**

**Let me know if you think it goes over the top though. I don't want to get tooooo carried away haha :)**

**I'd like to thank ****Zoids Fanatic for reviewing the last chapter as well :D**


	5. The Miracle of Life

**(A/N) This is a really awkwardly written chapter. I had trouble with it, idk why. **

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><p>"im so glad we're havin a bebe, Itachi-chan." Yoru sighed happily, while braiding her lover's hair. That's what you do when you love someone and are consequentially having their child. You braid their hair.<p>

She had managed to find him and drag him out of the dark room he'd confined himself in earlier, after deciding they needed to spend some "quality time" together. For the first time ever, this didn't involve any sexual deeds. Something about "not wanting 2 get teh bebe preggerz." Yoru was already learning to be a responsible parent by looking out for the unborn child's safety. She also changed her diet to include only fruits and vegetables. It was a hard transition, but such sacrifices must be made when you are caring for a baby. And anyway, it was only for two days. Yoru knew she was tough enough to handle the challenge.

"As am I. Despite my initial reservations, I have now concluded that a child is exactly what I need in my life right now." Itachi agreed, admiring his newly-styled hair with approval.

"kya. And do you lyke ur hair?" She blushed nervously.

"I love it. Isn't it fantastic that I often permit others to touch my hair, especially to style it?"

Yoru was too busy making her eyes do this weird glittery thing to answer.

Itachi smiled and glittered back.

Glitter and hearts everywhere. We'll look away now.

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><p>"Fucking PUSH!"<p>

"OW! GET THIS THING OUT OF MEEEE!"

"We're almost done; don't give up now!"

A door swung open.

"Would you all keep it down?" Pein yawned. "It's three in the morning." He looked down on his subordinates in irritation.

It was a rather startling sight to behold, although Pein was a lot more conditioned to this sort of thing than he'd prefer to be. Really, as the feared leader of a criminal organization you'd _expect_ to be surrounded by those who were above childish antics. But you'd be wrong…he was basically running a day care center.

Deidara was lying on the floor, pinned underneath Sasori and Hidan. There was some sort of indefinable object stuck up his nose, held in place by Sasori.

"Sorry, Pein." Sasori spoke up humbly. "We were just playing; we didn't mean to wake you."

"Yeah, we're really motherfucking sorry Asshole-sama."

Pein just shook his head, and headed back to his room. _Those idiots. They got me all excited talking like that. I thought the baby was being born…Deidara and Yoru sound very similar, apparently. Hm. Someone didn't think this through very well._

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><p>Meanwhile, Yoru was about to experience the wonder of childbirth. After three exhausting days of pregnancy, it was finally time.<p>

She was curled up on the floor of her bedroom, lying in a sunbeam that really had no place being out at three a.m. She had recently taken to cat-like behaviors such as this, much to the complete apathy of the rest of the world. It makes sense, seeing as she became part neko during her pregnancy. While most people get morning sickness, Yoru got a feline tail and ears. Who knows why this strange thing happened? It's just one of the beautiful mysteries of life.

Speaking of which, she was about to pop out a kid. Nothing is more stunning or miraculous than childbirth, and I'm not even being sarcastic right now. Although it's decidedly more interesting as far as Yoru is concerned.

She sat straight up as she felt something stirring inside of her. She swore she could feel the baby fumbling around within her womb, as if it was searching for something. Perhaps an emergency exit.

"wut is dat feeling…?" She cocked her head to the side, as if having her neck at a slightly different angle would somehow conjure up the answers she was seeking.

Then, without warning, it began flailing spastically; kicking and hitting every inch of her uterine lining.

She smiled lovingly, even though she was in a lot of pain from the internal beating. "just use da door hunny bun."

The movement ceased, and there was the almost inaudible squeak of a door handle turning.

There was a great squelching sound, and suddenly a baby flopped down onto the floor underneath her.

"mah bebe" She squealed with excitement, prompting Itachi to rise from his spot on the bed, where he'd been sleeping.

"What's going on—_oh_." He stopped when he noticed the child in Yoru's arms. "Wait, you already gave birth?" He frowned. "I _slept_ through _that_?"

"Shush. Im about to give a descrpiption of da bebe so that da audience knows wut it looks lyke cuz there dying to kno and I really should not say dis out loud but I will."

She cleared her throat in order to assemble the rest of the Akatsuki so they could hear her lecture too. "Attention every1! Dis is Fuyu mah bebe. She is a gurl and you will not try to have sex wit her bcuz shes underage you pervs. She has long white hair like pure dove feathers sitting in da snow. Her eyes are awe-inspiring black to represent the depths of her dark soul even tho its only seconds old and cant have been twisted yet but yea. I havent seen them yet but Pein-chama was right shes got da Sharingan and Rinnegan and Byakugan. She can use all three but she only has two eyes. She also has the 69-tailed horn dog in her bcuz I don't want it in me anymore and she needs to be stronger than me becuz OOPS SPOILER ALERT." She giggled nervously, wondering if anyone had noticed her slip.

Itachi stared at her blankly, Pein fiddled with a piercing, and Deidara continued to read an instructional booklet on tampon use.

Nothing at all out of the ordinary. So she went on.

"Anyway shes a stunning beauty even at the young age of _newborn _so yea don't try to be her bf or ill murder you. And shes a smarter genius than Itachi even so don't even mess." She paused, thinking. "Oh i almost forgot she's the reincarnation of Madara so she has the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. Plus also she's got the reincarnated soul of Tsunade so shes really strong and can punch stuff. And that old guy with the frogs is in love with her."

"Wait, wait." Itachi seemed to be drawn back into the reality of the situation by her words. "I seem to be missing something here. Are you trying to tell me that my daughter is the reincarnation of two completely separate people, one of whom isn't even dead?"

"Yes." She bobbed her head. "Why not?"

"_That logic though_." Someone whispered from behind the window curtains.

"No reason. He's just overcome with emotion is all." Pein came to Itachi's rescue as the other continued to stare dumbfounded at Yoru. He elbowed Itachi. "Isn't that right?"

Itachi blinked, and shook his head. "Yes. That is correct. I am overcome with emotion. Hooray. I am a daddy. I can't wait to bond with the child. Yee-haw."

"That's ok I forgive u. ur my baby daddy after all haha." Yoru cuddled the odd child to her chest, rocking back and forth.

"I suppose we'll give you some time alone to soak up the implications of parenthood." Pein decided.

The rest of the Akatsuki grimaced collectively, and filed out the door hastily.

It was quiet as Yoru stared deeply at the child's face.

"I wish it would open its eyes so i could-"

Just then, there was a deafening whooshing sound as gallons of water rushed out from between her legs. It continued to pour out for a good three minutes, until it finally settled down to a trickle, then tiny drops, then nothing.

"I want to make an obscene comment right now. I really do." Itachi stated calmly, staring around at the ankle-deep water from his safe position on the bed.

"I think mah water broke!#" Yoru cheered.

Itachi bit his tongue to refrain from giving her every single reason why this was wrong and should not be happening.

"Kool I was waiting 4 dat to happen." Yoru smiled. "I didn't know there was supposed to be dat much water tho."

"I don't think anyone could have predicted that." Itachi told her honestly.

"Nope."

It was quiet again, awkwardly so.

"So…can I maybe…hold—"

"NO." She snapped, clutching the unusually silent child to her person. "MINE."

"…"

More time passed with no dialogue whatsoever. Nothing interesting was going on, save for the new parents staring directly at the child without moving.

Neither of them bothered to wonder why the baby wasn't moving or crying or acting like a normal child. Nope. They didn't even check its pulse. The poor thing could've been dead this whole time, and they'd still be gawking at it. That's just the way things are done when Yoru gets involved.

It (or I guess we should call her Fuyu now…) isn't dead, for the record.

Although that would have saved the world a lot of unnecessary emotional strife.

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><p><strong>(AN) Somehow, I wanted this to be a little more...interesting :P **

**I hope you like it anyway :)  
><strong>

**Oh Zoids Fanatic, thank you so much for reviewing :D**


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